Good lord, just when I think MLS might be coming around…

But before the moaning begins, I’ll start on a positive. MLS Cup is turning into a consistently good event. Kansas City’s opening bomb freed the game up and the DC United goal-blitz that followed was almost too incredible to believe. The ejection of Dema Kovalenko was warranted but it also killed the pace as DC succeeded in taking the air out of the ball. And while I’m not a big fan of the play-off structure (a purist, me) I have to admit that the LA-Colorado series and DC-New England were good, good stuff. So bravo, MLS! The season ended with a bang, not a whimper.

I’m already annoyed by next season though. Two new teams enter the ring; Chivas USA in Los Angeles (an idea that I think is going to shake up MLS in a good way and create a true derby atmosphere with the Galaxy) and…Real Salt Lake. That’s pronounced Ree-Al Salt Lake. “Real” means “royal” in Spanish, like the superteam Real Madrid. Which makes sense for them because 1) they’re a Spanish team so it makes sense that they’d have a Spanish name, and 2) they’ve been historically affiliated with the Spanish monarchy.

Two reasons which make it an utterly stupid name for a team based in Salt Lake City. Real Salt Lake? Are they trying to kill this league? Will anybody not in soccer circles understand why they’d pick this name? And finally, is this any better than a U12 girls team calling themselves Manchester United because that’s their favorite team?

The answer, of course, is no. Look, thumbs up to DC United for taking a classic European soccer moniker and making it their own. It would be ten times better for there to be a second “united” team rather than a first “real” team. Or even Salt Lake SC would have some class. But Real Salt Lake takes the cake for all-time stupid MLS names. I can hear the sports writers making fun of it even now…

Close on the heels of this fiasco is the Dallas Burn switching their name to FC Dallas. FC Dallas is a hell of a lot better than Real Dallas, or Inter Dallas, or Dallas City or some other name that reaches across the pond to try to steal some history–but that doesn’t mean it’s a good name.

FC Dallas is, of course, the Cowboys. They play in the NFL. In this country, that’s football. SC Dallas or, hell, even AC Dallas (soccer club or athletic club) would be better. But Football Club Dallas? This makes zero sense.

I know , I know they’re trying to appeal to the soccer enthusiast rather than trying to convert the general sports fan. You don’t get much more enthusiast than me yet I find these names insulting and an embarassment to the league.

People, look…it’s one thing wanting to emulate the big European league like a little brother admiring an older sibling, it’s quite another to don that older sibling’s suit that’s four sizes too big and think we’re all grown up. t’s idiotic. The names “Real” and “FC” are part of a European tradition rooted in other languages.

Stupid, stupid, stupid.