If you frequent my blog, you already know that I’m giddy with anticipation regarding the World Cup in June. It pains me that the world’s game has enjoyed more popularity as a spectator sport in America, and some people have told me it’s because they just don’t understand the subtleties of the game.

So I’ve taken it upon myself to educate the public in order to demystify the game somewhat. I’ll probably cover the basic rules of soccer later, but today I’d like to briefly discuss soccer sign-language.

In the World Cup, it’s common for the two competing teams and the refereeing crew to not speak the language—for example, when Saudi Arabia plays the Ukraine and referee is from Mexico, they’re not even working from the same alphabet. As a way to deal with the need for communication, an informal sign language has developed. No matter where you go in the world, rotating your hands like you’re doing the hand-jive means you want a substitution. I’m aiming to explain some of the other common hand signals you may see during the run of play, so you can better understand what’s going on and enjoy the game more. So, without further adieu:

	Name: "I Got the Ball" Action:Hands side by side, palms down. Bring down in an arcing fashion to meet again, palms up, as though describing the shape of a ball. Necessarily a two-handed gesture. Meaning: This gesture is popular worldwide, used most frequently by defenders. The simple translation is "I got the ball," and the gesture is almost always employed immediately following a tackle that separated an opposition player from his kneecaps. This gesture is almost always unintentionally ironic, for if the player had truly gotten the ball, why would the opposition player be crying in agony? Yellow and red cards often follow "I Got the Ball."
	Name: "You’ve Got To Be #$%@ Kidding " Action: Pinch index finger and thumb. Snap wrist vigorously. Can be performed single-handed or with both hands simultaneously, but only if wrists snaps are done in unison. Meaning: Most common in Italy, this gesture also enjoys wide use in Spain, Greece, Turkey, and parts of South America but rare in the rest of Europe, North America, Asia, and Africa. This gesture frequently follows what the player believes to be an egregious call, such as an offsides, or when the referee makes no call, especially in the case of a forward flopping in the box trying to win a penalty. "You’ve Got To Be #$%@ Kidding Me, Ref," is a much abbreviated translation, as this gesture is usually accompanied by a verbal tirade that can last up to thirty seconds
	Name: "Open Your #$%@ Eyes!" or "What #$%@ Game Are You Watching?" Action: Using the index finger of either hand, gently pull on the cheek below the eye. This is never a two-handed gesture. Meaning: While seen worldwide, this gesture is again favored by Mediterranean and Latin American countries. It occasionally means "Did you see that?" in the case of an off-the-ball incident, it is most commonly seen immediately following an offsides call, especially when replays show the striker to be a full ten yards offsides without a defender anywhere near him. By performing this gesture, the striker hopes to instill the referee with a sense of doubt of his own abilities and therefore perhaps gain an advantage later in the game when he will invariably stray offsides again, thereby ruining his team’s chances of scoring and needing a quick scapegoat.
	Name: "No No No No No" Action: Wiggle the index finger to and fro; extremely rare for this to be done with both hands but depends on the intensity of the player’s emotion. Meaning: This gesture enjoys global use and in a variety of scenarios. It’s the favored reaction after a player carrying a yellow card commits a second horrific tackle and sees the referee reaching for the red card. Strikers like to use it immediately before or after "Open Your #$%@ Eyes!" Defenders staunchly believe it can dispel penalty claims, and often use it after breaking a striker’s legs, as if to say, "No no no no no, stop diving and play the game."
	Name:"That Was Good" or "Do That Again" Action: Extend thumb, raise slightly. Meaning: While the "thumbs up" signal is popular throughout the world, what makes it unique to football is the fact that it always occurs immediately after a piece of brilliant play by one player followed by a screw-up of major proportions by another. Example: Player A hits a forty-yard ,pinpoint pass to Player B who suddenly has plenty of time and space to charge towards goal before his poor touch sees the ball harmlessly roll out of bounds. Player B turns to Player A and gives him "That Was Good" signal, presumably because there’s no sign language for "Sorry, I Totally F— ed That Up."
	Name:"I’ve Been Hit" Action: Collapse, roll theatrically, burst into flame Meaning: Okay, technically this is more than sign language but since diving is a rampant part of the game, you should at least know what to expect. A “dive” is when a player exaggerates the amount of contact and falls to the ground in order to get a call. Sometimes it’s to try and get the other player thrown out of the game, sometimes it’s to win a penalty. Remember this one rule: the harshness of the foul is indirectly proportional to the amount of theatrics that come after it. When guys really get mowed down they hit the turf like a sack of potatoes and lie there like they’re dead. When a stiff breeze knocks a guy over, he rolls on the ground and howls in agony. So be fully prepared for the Argentinian players to spontaneously combust.

---

So that concludes this week’s lesson. Next week I’ll start my weekly look at World Cup groups, one group per week, until the tournament kicks off in June. I’ll start with Group F, which is Brazil, Croatia, Australia, and Japan and give the low-down on what to expect from these teams and who I think will emerge from the group. I’ve written such forecasts for four of the last five World Cups, so don’t worry: I’m semi-professional at this.

Seriously though, if you plan to watch even a little of the World Cup–and you really, really should–you might find it interesting, and I’m a hell of a lot funnier than most World Cup overviews. Or least I’ll make myself laugh, and that’s all I’m usually going for anyway.